How to Communicate Effectively
Does “It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it” sound familiar? You may have heard it from someone, said it yourself, or seen it on tv shows (ahem, Friends and Modern Family). It’s true for reasons more concrete than landing a punchline on a popular sitcom. What we say matters, and the way in which we say it is a reflection of our communication style. We all want to be heard and understood, but the way we communicate can either help that or hinder it. There are four styles of communication, so what are they and which one is most effective?
Aggressive. Aggressive means pretty much what you think it means…antagonistic, threatening, demeaning, insulting, provocative, etc. With aggressive communication we are usually attacking and attempting to get a response from the other person. It can be name-calling, raising our voice, trying to dominate or intimidate, or make the other person feel something, like shame or guilt, or give in to our way. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a certain tone of voice either, it can just be the words we use. For example, “this happened because you’re an idiot” can be said with a calm voice, but is still aggressive because it is attacking. Similarly, aggressive communication could be clear, but the delivery is what makes it aggressive. For example, “Your shoes are in the garage”, is clear but aggressive if said in a biting tone. This behavior is unhelpful because it automatically puts the other person in defensive mode and often leads to a lot of unnecessary misunderstanding and resentment.
Passive. Passive means…literally, passive. It means not reacting externally or addressing something that is bothering you. It often means remaining quiet and not speaking up, or altogether ignoring something someone did or said. This style is unhelpful because it never gives the other person a chance to address or fix what happened. If the default mode is passive, then it also means needs are rarely met because they are never expressed.
Passive Aggressive. Passive aggressive means being aggressive but in an indirect manner. We say or do something and expect the other person to figure out how we feel and what we want. This puts both parties at a disadvantage and breeds misunderstanding and resentment from everyone involved. A good example of this could be if you were to sit in my office and say “would be great if that window wasn’t open right now”, while looking down at your phone. [Disclaimer, this has never actually happened and I am not able to open my office windows, but this is an example I like to use]. It’s aggressive, but indirect. Instead of saying “I’m really cold, can we close the window?” is passive because the person is not looking at me or even addressing the real issue (that they are cold) and expecting me to infer what they feel and what they want me to do. This is a destructive way of communicating as well, because it sets the other person up to fail if they interpret incorrectly. Not clearly stating how we feel and what we need also sets us up for disappointment and conflict because others can’t fix what they don’t know is a problem, and expecting them to mind-read is unrealistic and unfair.
Assertive. This is the gold star of communication and is the style we always want to go for. Assertive communication is concise and direct. It is not aggressive, passive aggressive, or passive. It is respectful and clear. It is when we clearly communicate our feelings and our needs, without trying to elicit a behavior or certain response from another. Assertive communication in the office incident would be “I’m really cold, would it be possible to close the window?” The feeling, and the desired action are clearly communicated. Other examples could be “I’m not comfortable having this conversation, let’s talk about something else”, or “That time does not work for me, are you available [insert another date and time]”.
No one is perfect and we can all slip into different styles depending on the situation. As my practice specializes in therapy for people-pleasers who have a hard time saying no and setting boundaries, I work with a lot of clients who fall into the passive category. They often put others’ needs before their own and then find themselves feeling overwhelmed and resentful, but don’t know how to break the cycle. It’s possible to break any cycle of miscommunicating by learning to be more assertive. Identify how you feel. Ask for what you need in a direct way. And if you have trouble doing that, you’re not crazy and you’re not alone - find a therapist who can help you work through what is keeping you from being able to get your needs met.
TL; DR: Assertive communication is the best way to communicate as it means being direct and being concise. It involves identifying your feelings and your needs to communicating them another person effectively and respectfully. Other styles are a disservice to you and to the person you are communicating with and set everyone up to fail because people aren’t mind-readers, and no one likes being yelled at.
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