therapy for People-pleasing
You want everyone to be happy. You take care of others before taking care of yourself (and you’re starting to feel resentful, even if you’re not sure why). You get upset frustrated when something didn’t turn out the way you wanted (it’s not that you’re ungrateful, but you imagined it so differently). You get frustrated when your significant other didn’t do something the way you would do it (and it drives.you.crazy.) You’re good at your job, maybe too good, so they keep putting more on your plate. You don’t say no, to your boss or anyone, because you’re afraid of disappointing others or letting them down. So you just deal with it, even though you’re getting frustrated. Better to be frustrated than risk disappointing someone right?
You delete and re-write the same text, email, work proposal or instagram post because it just doesn’t feel right, and you can’t hit send/publish it until it feels just right(perfect). You replay conversations in your head, criticizing yourself and worrying what the other person thought when you said that one thing. You worry about upsetting or disappointing others and you want everyone to like you. You know on some level that yes, you don’t like everyone so it isn’t realistic to expect everyone to like you but…you still want (need) everyone to like you.
You worry that you’ll never do enough, or even worse, that you’ll never be enough.
Sound familiar?
You’re not alone, and you’re not crazy.
Here’s the thing. There are reasons you operate this way, and none of them are because you did something wrong, or because there is something wrong with you. In fact, being a people-pleaser and/or a perfectionist is something that likely makes you really good at your job and meeting others’ expectations. Sometimes to your own detriment.
But not all of it is bad - sometimes you like doing things for others, or surprising your boss and others around you by showing them what you can do. You don’t have to give that up. You can find balance and fulfillment in your work and relationships without changing who you are. You can find worth and value apart from what you can do for others, and stop bending over backwards to make everyone else happy while you feel miserable, exhausted and resentful. You can learn how to say no without feeling guilty. You can learn how to be okay with some people not liking you - or at least keep it from tanking your self-worth or feeling like a total failure because that person doesn’t like you.
I help clients find a balance where they get their needs met, and still enjoy doing things for others and performing well at work, without all the stress, guilt or resentment.
People-pleasing is a relationship pattern and it’s one you can unlearn. I’ve been where you are and can tell you it is possible. And on the other side of people-pleasing? Where you no longer feel the intense urge to people-please or get really upset when someone doesn’t like you or disapproves of you, but you still care about people and helping and doing things for them? But it feels balanced? And you can say no without feeling guilty? That feels incredible.