3 Types of Boundaries Everyone Should Have
Most of us never learned how to set boundaries with others, not necessarily because we’re bad people or because we had bad parents, (though we may have had poor boundaries modeled to us), but because at some point not having boundaries worked in our favor. Maybe never saying no meant we felt liked, needed, wanted. Maybe doing things for others is where we found purpose, or worth. It isn’t BAD to care about and want to do things for others…but if that is the way we define ourselves, it sets us up for a world of hurt and resentment which will spill out into every area of life. Our needs go unmet. We don’t know how we feel about things, let alone how to communicate it. We let people walk all over us, run ourselves into the ground trying to make everyone else happy and we become resentful, lashing out or withdrawing. Not ideal. If we learn to set boundaries, we can start taking care of ourselves and that actually makes it easier to care about/do things for/be with others in ways that are healthy for everyone.
You can read more about what boundaries are here, but basically boundaries are like fences; they distinguish between what is yours and what belongs to someone else. So, let’s talk about three types of boundaries.
First, physical boundaries. Yes, I mean literal, physical boundaries. This applies to your body and your time. You are allowed to decide how, when and by whom you want to be touched. Sometimes you can’t (like if you’re in the ER and they need to draw blood or something..eek!) but for the sake of this argument let’s assume there are no emergencies or situations where you would be touched without your permission in order to save your life. Physical boundaries also include what you put in your body (substances, food, etc.) You need to eat, and it’s okay to remove yourself from someone’s presence if they are critical of your body or your food choices. Lastly, you should also have boundaries with your time; especially your “free” time. Your free time is not the same as your availability. Just because someone wants access to you and you don’t have anything scheduled, does not entitle them to your time. You get to decide how you spend your free time.
Second, mental boundaries. This does not mean your emotions (the third boundary), but your actual mental capacity and functioning. This is where your focus and mental energy go for tasks like work, chores/errands, schoolwork/coursework, problem-solving, etc. There is a large body of research that looks at how pushing yourself to the point of fatigue will actually decrease your productivity, decision-making, focus and memory. (Ellbin et al., 2018, Jonsdottir et al., 2013, Krabbe et al., 2017, Oosterholt et al., 2012, Öhman et al., 2007). This doesn’t mean we can’t have long work days, but that there can be consequences with a series of 12-15 hour days without breaks and adequate rest. Setting mental boundaries can mean taking breaks from work that include things like taking a short walk, stopping to intentionally eat and enjoy a meal vs a “working lunch”, or disconnecting from and walking away from work at a certain point, not just taking a quick break and working until you fall asleep.
Finally, emotional boundaries. Emotional boundaries mean that you are not responsible for fixing or neutralizing someone else’s emotions: disappointment, fear, anger, sadness, etc. This does not mean it’s okay to be an asshole/intentionally mean to someone and then say “well it’s your problem”, and it doesn’t mean you have to walk away from someone. You can be empathic and understanding without trying to fix it and make it all better. You can set a boundary with a parent, friend or colleague who may get angry but if you did it assertively, then you didn’t do anything wrong and it isn’t your job to make them feel better about being told no. Similarly, it isn’t your job to help someone understand or make them feel better about a decision you made, like whether or not to have kids, why you took a different job or are moving, etc etc. Emotional boundaries keep you from taking on responsibility for others because 1. that is not your job and 2. if you keep doing it for them they will not learn to do it for themselves.
If you struggle to set boundaries, I recommend finding a local therapist to work through the barriers to setting boundaries and to learn how to set them.
TL;DR: You need physical, mental and emotional boundaries in order to have healthy relationships, work/life balance, and for your physical and mental health.
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