How to stop being so hard on yourself
I make mistakes.
Yesterday I made a small mistake, mismatching a post with its caption and completely confusing anyone who read it. A few months ago I accidentally deleted/unverified my business listing on google which was a bigger mistake, took several weeks and a frustrating call with google to get reverified, and will still take months to rebuild. Last year I somehow scraped a new vehicle when parking it in a parking garage that has been familiar to me for years, and those are just the first three that came to mind. The first mistake was embarrassing, but easy to fix with a little editing. The second mistake was embarrassing, frustrating, discouraging and took a few weeks and a very frustrating call with google to fix. The third mistake…well, that was also embarrassing, frustrating and costly. None of the mistakes were intentional, but I messed up.
Mistakes happen because we are human and humans aren’t perfect.
As a recovering people-pleaser and perfectionist I know it’s easy to read that and think, sure that’s great for you, but that doesn’t work for me; I don’t make mistakes, I can’t make mistakes. If that’s you, I see you. I used to be terrified of making mistakes, felt like they meant I was a failure in some way and that everything would come crashing down if I messed up. But I was wrong (thankfully).
Early in my career I had a supervisor that used to say ‘if no one died, it can be fixed’. Morbid, but true. Most mistakes can be fixed and you can not only survive it, but you can grow from it. That shitty feeling you have after messing up is important because it has valuable information. Maybe it means you were too hard on yourself or your expectations were too high, maybe it means you’re going to have to take accountability for something you would rather avoid. Maybe it means you were distracted or didn’t sleep well and are more prone to errors, or maybe you just hit the wrong damn button on the keyboard. Whatever it is, if we lean into the discomfort with curiosity instead of just shaming ourselves there is something valuable there, however big or small. It’s easier to fall into what Brené Brown calls the “shame spiral” where we reprimand or insult ourselves, especially if we had a parent or other authority figure that shamed us for mistakes, but it’s never helpful. When you are used to shaming yourself it’s a lot harder to say I messed up but it’s okay and I maybe I can even learn something from it.
So how do you stop shaming yourself for making mistakes? If someone you cared about made a mistake like scraping a new car on a parking pylon, or made a mistake in a presentation at work, would you say the things to them that you are saying to yourself? Would you shame them, insult them or call them an idiot? Bring up every mistake they made and throw it back in their face? (If that is how you would respond to someone, that is a very different and problematic issue that needs to be addressed). Or would you remind them that mistakes happen, and that it will be okay, maybe even help them problem-solve depending on the situation. Talking to yourself the way you would to someone you care about is how you learn to be kind to yourself. You make mistakes, and then let yourself feel all the things about it (embarrassment, frustration, etc), and then you do something about it. You take responsibility, correct it where possible, and move forward.
And you practice it again and again, until it gets easier and becomes second nature. You might still have the knee-jerk reaction of being hard on yourself, but the more you practice the more quickly you will learn to take responsibility, forgive yourself quickly and move forward.
For further reading:
Shame, Accountability and Failure at Work (Brene Brown article)
DISCLAIMER: This website is for educational and entertainment purposes only; it is not therapy and is not a replacement for therapy. Reading this website does not constitute a provider-client relationship. Consult your licensed physician or licensed mental health provider regarding advice, questions and support for your mental health. Information found on this website should be used only in conjunction with working with a licensed mental health professional or physician. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency, call 911 or 988. Nothing found on this website is intended to be a substitute for professional, psychological, psychiatric or medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Denver Therapy LLC and Ashley French, LPC assume no liability for an actions taken or decisions made in reliance upon, or in response to information contained on this website. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.