What does it mean to heal?
This is a question that I comes up all the time. It’s a bit of a nuanced answer because healing looks a little different for everyone AND I believe healing is an ongoing process, because ideally we are always learning and growing. That doesn’t mean we don’t heal from the things that have hurt us, or that we stay stuck in patterns and behaviors. It just means that every time we “heal” one thing there’s usually something else to work on. Just like when you are doing a strength building program, as soon as your muscles adjust you add weight to keep getting stronger, or you start walking a little longer and a little further to push and strengthen your body. But my guess is you came here looking for a quick and easy answer, so I’ll do my best to oblige: in therapy, healing can mean feeling “better” and it happens through integration.
So what does that mean? Integration means we’ve been able to integrate our experiences to who we are today, even the really painful ones. Sometimes we rewire the way our brain processes those memories and events. Sometimes we learn from the things that hurt us. Sometimes we unlearn patterns that have been hurting us. I could go on and on with a lot of examples, but basically healing means we’re no longer running from or hiding from experiences or feelings, but that we know how to recognize them and know what to do with them. Healing doesn’t mean nothing ever hurts again, or that we never make mistakes, it means that pain and reactivity doesn’t drive our actions, behaviors and feelings all the time.
Healing can look like:
being proactive instead of reactive
knowing how to identify how we’re feeling and what to do about it
not trying try to shove things down anymore
being able to set respectful boundaries with confidence
knowing how to communicate well with others, and when we have conflict we know how to repair relationships afterwards
being less reactive and more proactive
feeling emotionally & physically safe in our bodies and our relationships
feeling really good about our relationships, and knowing how to let go of people when we need to
responding to ‘“triggers'“ in a healthy way, and sometimes no longer feeling “triggered” by certain things
feeling confident and trusting ourselves
and SO much more (this is the part I meant about how it can vary by individual - there might be things you would add to this list that are specific to you
Healing DOESN’T mean we don’t struggle anymore, or that life is perfect (anyone who says they have a perfect life is lying). It doesn’t mean we never have anxiety, or slip into people-pleasing, or never raise our voices or snap at someone. It doesn’t mean we’ll never feel triggered by something or be caught off guard. It means it happens less, and we know how to handle these situations when they come up. We know how to forgive ourselves for making mistakes, how to apologize meaningfully, and how to address what we’re really upset about or why we are hurting so we don’t take it out on other people.
Healing isn’t a linear process, it’s an ongoing thing that’s full of a lot of steps forward, backwards and side tangents, but it’s possible. If you’re consistent, open-minded and usually working with a skilled therapist that gets you, and you’re willing to deal with some hard stuff, it’s rarely easy but healing is possible. We’re biologically programmed for survival and growth, but sometimes things keep us stuck and we have to deal with them if we want to heal. If you broke a bone skiing, you take time to rest and the next time you ski maybe you learn that you need to go a little slower, or learn to listen to your body so you stop before you’re so tired you’re at higher risk for falling/injury, or you take lessons to learn better ways to turn, slow down and stop. All of that goes into healing your body and your mind, so you can still go skiing but maybe you trust yourself more and you make better decisions. (Unless you get a thrill from the sense of danger in which case that’s a different problem).
Remember, healing looks different for everyone depending on what you’ve experienced and what your goals are. If you have more questions, it’s best to talk with your licensed mental health professional. If you don’t have one, sites like therapyden and psychology today can be great places to find a mental health professional in your area.
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