5 Questions for People-Pleasers to Ask Themselves Before Saying Yes

One of the hardest things for people-pleasers to do is say no, especially to employers and people they care about. You feel guilty saying no, or worry about what they will think if you say no. You think…will my boss think I’m not a team player and won’t promote me? They’re family so I have to say yes. And on the deepest level, you fear you will be rejected if you don’t say yes. This drives you to end up saying yes, even though you don’t have the capacity or if it conflicts with your own needs or leaves you feeling resentful. But it doesn’t have to keep being this way.

Below are 5 questions I recommend asking yourself before immediately saying yes. Asking these questions can help determine your motives for saying yes, so you can figure out if you are just people-pleasing, or if you are saying yes without the motivation to just make others happy.

1. Will I feel resentment if I say yes?

If the answer is yes, then ask yourself why you would feel resentful.

2. Does this conflict with my needs?

Maybe you don’t have time or the bandwidth to do what they are asking. Maybe it conflicts with something else important, or a commitment you already made. Maybe you need to rest and extra work or socializing isn’t going to be good for you in the long run. If so, maybe it’s time to put your needs first this time.

3. Am I doing this just so someone will like me?

Ouch, this one never feels good. If you’re saying yes because you’re afraid someone will not like you or will talk badly about you behind your back, that’s not a very good reason to say yes. Why? If they’re going to reject you because you say no, then they didn’t really value you, just what you could do for them. Second, if they talk badly about you because you said no, that’s a reflection of their own issues and you can’t control what another person does.

4. Am I doing this to feel needed or important?

It’s okay to want to help others. It’s ok to want to feel needed and important. It’s not okay to find your value primarily in what you can do for others. You are valuable because you exist. You are important because you exists. You are needed by the people who truly value you, even if you can’t always say yes. If you’re not allowed to say no in your relationships then that’s a major red flag.

5. Am I afraid of saying no?

What are you afraid will happen? If you’re afraid that you will be rejected or passed over, that’s a very human reaction because we all have a very normal need to feel accepted and loved. But if someone (friend, family, employer) rejects you just because you said no, then that’s a problem. Someone else’s needs are not more important than your own, and it isn’t your job to fix everyone else’s problems. Everyone has autonomy and is responsible for solving their own problems.

What if you felt like you could say no without feeling guilty or worrying about what others think? What if you didn’t feel like you had to say yes anymore, and when you did say yes, it felt really good? What if you didn’t feel resentful anymore? People-pleasing takes up so much real estate in our heads because we worry about what others think, how they feel and what they're going to do. But it doesn't serve us well in the long run, especially if we’re doing backflips to keep everyone else happy but our getting met. It doesn't mean you can't do things for others or care about them, but when we find balance we're able to show up for others and show up for ourselves in ways that make our relationships fulfilling and healthy.

I recommend finding a therapist to help you work through why you started people-pleasing and change what keeps you stuck in the pattern. You can break the pattern and have relationships that feel satisfying, safe and don’t feel like a scramble to prove your worth.

If you’re in Colorado, you can book a free intro call with me here.

If you’re not in Colorado, you can search for a therapist here.

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