The Connection Between People-Pleasing and Anxiety (and how they feed off each other)
If you’ve ever found yourself saying yes because you didn’t want to disappoint anyone or rock the boat, you’re probably a people-pleaser. People-pleasing is something we do in order to make or keep other people happy, avoid conflict, or avoid disappointing someone. The thought of someone being upset with you likely causes anxiety and is incredibly uncomfortable. Sound familiar? If so you’re in the right place. Today we’re going to talk about the connection between anxiety and people-pleasing, and how they fuel one another in a vicious cycle that keeps you frustrated, anxious and trapped.
What Is People-Pleasing?
At its core, people-pleasing boils down to two things: avoidance of difficult emotions and situations (like someone being upset with you), and/or a way to get acceptance and validation. Most people-pleasers fall into both of the categories in one way or another. You probably don’t think of trying to make others happy as avoidance, but it can be if you’re anxious about someone being angry with you. You probably have good reason to fear others’ anger or rejection. You might have had negative childhood experiences where the adults in your life were volatile, or depended on you to help them regulate their own emotions. Maybe you were ridiculed, chastised, or ignored when you expressed emotions. Maybe you grew up in a home where you were expected to tend to others emotions. Maybe your family looked to you as the peacekeeper and the one everyone talked to when they had problems, which is wildly inappropriate, but you didn’t know that then, how could you? You were a kid!
Sometimes it’s societal norms that push us into people-pleasing. Women in particular are taught, usually by other women, like mothers, teachers, etc - to apologize all the time, even when they didn’t do anything wrong. This leads to over-apologizing and taking responsibility for events or emotions that are not ours to carry. We can believe it’s our job to make sure everyone is happy and taken care of, even if it’s at our own expense. We learn that others’ needs are much more important than our own, and that it is our job to prioritize others, even at our own expense. The worst part is that people-pleasers usually aren’t even aware of this, at least not at first. People-pleasers don’t become aware they’ve been bending over backwards for everyone until their needs continue to go unmet. They begin to feel exhausted and resentful…but also anxious thinking about how others would respond if they said no, or if their in-laws, parents or someone at work got angry with them. The anxiety then drives you to keep people-pleasing in order to make it stop, and the cycle of anxiety and people-pleasing continues.
How People-Pleasing Fuels Anxiety
Anxiety is essentially fear of what will, or what could happen in the future. There is a common fear that drives a lot of people-pleasers - fear of rejection.This is a primal fear we all have as humans, because as infants and children we quite literally need others (adults) to survive. Rejection can be fatal, and that’s a fear we don’t really outgrow and is ingrained in human DNA and experiences. Rejection growing up can lead to social isolation, and isolation is still used in many prison systems because it impacts people. Excommunication was a slow punishment used for the worst of offenders, and isolation is still used in the prison system. Shows like Alone demonstrate the very real effects of isolation from other humans. So your fear of rejection isn’t crazy or ridiculous - it’s very human. The difference is that most of the rejection we fear now as adults is not as dangerous as it was when we were kids, or if we were trying to survive in the wilderness, so we can learn to tolerate it. If we can tolerate the possibility of rejection, we can learn how to express our needs without crippling fear or anxiety.
When we are afraid of asking for what we need, or afraid our needs won’t be met, then we can become anxious. We can even end up having panic attacks, have trouble sleeping or begin to snap at and resent others. An example of this could be agreeing to help out with another person’s workload while they are out, even though you’re already overwhelmed because you want to be a team player or worry about being promoted. But you end up feeling resentful and annoyed at yourself, your boss, and the person who is out of the office. You feel like you’re being punished for being so good at your job, but you’re not getting recognized for it or being paid to handle two workloads. You want to tell someone you’re in over your head, but then you’re worried about what everyone will think. Will you be passed over for the promotion? Will someone say you’re not a team player? The anxiety and trying to answer the what-if’s keep you stuck in people-pleasing, and you simmer in our anger and anxiety.
Why It’s So Hard to Stop
It’s hard to stop because some way, somehow, you are benefitting from being a people-pleaser. Maybe you feel like people like you. You’re seen as the one who can do it all. The one who shows up when needed. The one who no one is ever angry at. The one who was a ‘compliant’ child that your parents ‘didn’t have to worry about’. Maybe you were the easy kid, or the dependable coworker. Even if you feel resentful, sometimes it can also feel good, which is why you keep doing it. You like being liked. You like being the one no one ever talks shit about. Sound familiar?
But there’s a problem. Because it also DOESN’T feel good. You don’t love doing things just because you don’t want to feel guilty. You don’t love always doing things for everyone else but feeling like no one ever looks out for or asks about your needs. You think that keeping everyone happy makes life easier, but it’s actually been making it harder. You think your relationships are great because no one is ever upset with you, but how great can they be if you don’t feel like you can truly be yourself? A relationship isn’t healthy if it isn’t okay to say no, and it’s hard to truly connect with others if you’re holding back your thoughts and feelings constantly in order to avoid rocking the boat. That’s a one-sided relationship, and those rarely feel satisfying.
How to Stop People-Pleasing and Feel Less Anxious
So how do you change it? How do you learn to say no without feeling guilty, and stop feeling so anxious whenever you even think about telling someone no or sharing a feeling or opinion they might not like?
Stop gaslighting yourself and telling yourself that your needs don’t matter, or that they aren’t just as important as anyone’s else’s. Because they do matter, and your needs are just as important as everyone else.
Learn how to set boundaries well. Boundaries should be concise, clear and communicated assertively and respectfully. There are nuances to learning how to set boundaries which is why I recommend working with a therapist (even if you’re reading one of the awesome books about it out there, or taking a course). In therapy you can learn how to communicate boundaries effectively and confidently, as well as work through any barriers that keep you from setting them, like anxiety and people-pleasing. If you trust your ability to set boundaries, you will feel less anxious about saying no.
Be honest with yourself about what drives your people-pleasing tendencies so that you can change it. You can’t untangle a ball of tangled christmas lights by staring at it and willing it to be unknotted. You have to sit down and carefully and thoughtfully untangle all the strands. People-pleasing and anxiety work the same way.
As always, I recommend working with a licensed therapist when you are beginning your journey to overcome people-pleasing and anxiety. While blogs are great sources of information, a lot of hard things can come up when you start digging into these issues, and a trained therapist can help you work through them in a safe and supportive way. I recommend searching for therapists that provide therapy for people-pleasing and therapy for anxiety near you. Make sure you truly feel comfortable with the therapist so you don’t just default into people-pleasing in the therapy room. There are no therapy olympics, and you won’t win an award for being really good it…But you can get your life back, stop people-pleasing and have a lot less anxiety.
If you’re looking for therapy for people-pleasing or therapy for anxiety in Denver and are interested in working with me, you can book a phone consultation with me by clicking the button below. If you’re not in CO you can use therapist directories to find a qualified therapist in your area. Either way, I hope you choose to get support, because it doesn’t have to keep being this way. You deserve to be taken care of too.
DISCLAIMER: This blog is for educational and entertainment purposes only; it is not therapy and is not a replacement for therapy. Reading this website does not constitute a provider-client relationship. Consult your licensed physician or licensed mental health provider regarding advice, questions and support for your mental health. Information found on this website should be used only in conjunction with working with a licensed mental health professional or physician. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency, call 911 or 988. See website disclaimer for more information.
