Can Boundary Setting Go Too Far? Here's What People Get Wrong

Lately I’ve seen a lot of “hot takes” floating around—tweets, Reels, TikToks, substacks—all claiming that boundaries have become an excuse for selfishness (and usually targeted at Millenials and Gen Z). They argue that we’ve swung so far into "self-care culture" that no one’s willing to compromise, show up, or do hard things for the people they care about. And I get it - I really do. When the word "boundary" gets thrown around flippantly every five minutes, it can start to lose meaning. But here’s the thing: when boundaries seem to go too far, it’s not that the concept is broken - it’s that we’re calling something a boundary that isn’t.

Let’s talk about what boundaries actually are, why they matter, and why setting them doesn't make you selfish—it makes you human.

What Boundaries Actually Are

At their core, boundaries are limits we set to protect our emotional, mental, and physical well-being. (I’ve written about this before and I would encourage you to check out those blogs here to get a more in depth explanation about boundaries). Here is how I like to explain boundaries at their core: they help define where we end and others begin. A healthy boundary isn’t a cement wall with an electric fence at the top; it’s just a line that says, "This is what I can offer without compromising myself." Boundaries aren’t about controling others or avoiding showing up for people; they’re about clarifying our own limitations and capabilites.

Appropriate boundaries sound like: “I can’t take that on right now”, “I need some time to myself tonight” or “I’m not comfortable discussing that”. Each of these are good example of boundaries because they are about what you can do, not what someone else should or should not do. They do not tell others what to do, they simply communicate what we can do. Boundaries direct, honest, and usually a little uncomfortable because they usually require us to say no in some way, which can be really hard for people-pleasers who struggle with others being upset with or disappointed in them. Boundaries are a lot of things but they are not ghosting, stonewalling, being an asshole (rude, condescending, etc), or punishing people for not meeting unspoken expectations. That’s not a boundary. That’s avoidance with trendy, but inaccurate language.

Why Boundaries Are NOT Selfish

One of the biggest misconceptions out there is that setting boundaries means you don’t care about others. But the opposite is true. Boundaries are how we show up fully and consistently for the people we love without burning out, resenting them, or disappearing when things get hard. Saying "no" doesn't mean you're not supportive or that you don’t care; it means you’re aware of your capacity and are being honest about what you can give. That honesty creates trust which allows for deeper connection because no one is guessing or overextending themselves out of obligation. I’m always telling my clients that if someone doesn’t respect your no, then that isn’t a very healthy relationship. If you’re not allowed to say no, that is a one-sided relationship that breeds resentment, frustration and sometimes even trauma. Boundaries are how we engage in healthy, two-way relationships with mutual respect. And they aren’t selfish. Selfishness is taking from others without regard for impact or harm. Boundaries are the opposite - they’re about protecting yourself so you can engage more intentionally with others. That’s not selfish, that’s sustainable.

When 'Boundaries' Are Actually Avoidance

Now, to be fair—sometimes what people call a boundary really is just emotional avoidance. I’ve seen it. You’ve probably seen it too. It can look like:

• Cutting someone off with no explanation and calling it “self-care”

• Refusing to apologize for snapping at someone because “I have to honor my truth”

• Never being willing to compromise or adjust because "my boundaries are non-negotiable"

These aren't healthy boundaries, they're walls. And while everyone has the right to protect their peace, protection without communication isn’t a boundary—it’s an exit strategy. A real boundary is communicated clearly. It invites understanding. It’s firm, not cold. It isn’t rude, dismissive or an excuse to get out of something. Setting boundaries is about learning how to communicate our needs assertively, which means we don’t ghost, demean, or refuse to take responsibility for our mistakes. An example of this might look like snapping at your partner because you’re stressed and need space and calling it a “boundary”, when setting a boundary appropriately would have been to calmly explain that you are overwhelmed and need some time to yourself to regulate and then coming back to the conversation or situation later.

Boundaries Make Relationships Better

People often think that setting boundaries is going to push others away, but the truth is that good boundaries create safety. They allow people to know where they stand. They reduce resentment. They make communication clearer and more honest. In friendships, boundaries might look like: "Can we talk about this another time? I want to show up for you but I’m not in the headspace for it right now." (I also recommend offering some times to talk about it later, because the point isn’t to avoid the conversation altogether, it is to have it a time when you can show up well). In relationships it might look like "I need alone time to recharge, even though I love spending time with you. Can we schedule something for next week?" At work boundaries might look like "I don’t take calls or respond to emails or texts after 5 PM." (That’s my boundary in my private practice, and all my clients know it and respect it).

Remember, setting boundaries is not about shutting people out or shutting people down - it’s about creating a relationship where both people feel seen, safe, and respected.

How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

Okay, so how do we actually do this? How do you set boundaries without feeling like you’re being mean or flakey? Start by being clear, kind, and direct. Use "I" statements (because boundaries are about what you can or can’t do). Don’t focus on making the other person do something. Keep it concise. Don’t over-explain or justify, and remember that your needs are valid.

Here are some examples:

• "I really value our time together, but I need a night to myself."

• “We are not going to be traveling for the holidays this year”.

• "I’m not able to be the go-to person for this anymore. Can we talk about redistributing the workload?"

• "I don’t have the capacity to support you with this right now, but I care and I hope you find the help you need."

Boundary-setting isn't a one-and-done; it takes a LOT of practice. You might need time to think about what to say, or sometimes freeze up in unexpected situations which is totally normal and okay, it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. You’ll probably fumble a few. You’ll feel awkward and really uncomfortable sometimes (and definitely at the beginning) and that’s okay. You’re learning how to take care of yourself without abandoning your own needs and that’s a good thing.

So, Can Boundaries Go Too Far?

Absolutely - I’m always telling my clients that everything exists on a spectrum and anything can be taken to an extreme (like “self-care”, for example). The important thing is that what people are calling "boundaries going too far" is often just a mislabel. Real boundaries don’t shut people out—they create space for connection that’s actually healthy and mutual. If someone’s being selfish, manipulative, or emotionally avoidant, let’s just call it that, but don’t blame boundaries. Boundaries are what let us show up to our lives with compassion, clarity, and a hell of a lot more peace.

So the next time someone says boundaries are just selfishness in disguise, ask them what their definition of a boundary really is, because I’m willing to bet they’re not talking about boundaries at all.

Need A Little More Support? I Got You.

If you are in Denver and are looking for help with how to set boundaries without feeling guilty, I’d love to help. I offer a therapy intensives specifically for setting boundaries that could be really helpful. I focus on teaching more specific boundary setting skills and helping clients work through barriers to setting and holding boundaries - because they reality is that if it were really easy, you’d probably already be doing it. We all have to learn how to set boundaries, and I created these intensives to do just that - to help you learn how to set boundaries confidently in just a few short days. If you’re interested you can check out the boundaries intensive page here. I offer free phone consultations you can book directly through my website, no phone or email tag needed. If you are not in CO, reach out by filling out my contact form here. I know some good therapists in other states and am happy to refer you to them!

DISCLAIMER: This blog is for educational and entertainment purposes only; it is not therapy and is not a replacement for therapy. Reading this website does not constitute a provider-client relationship. Consult your licensed physician or licensed mental health provider regarding advice, questions and support for your mental health. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency, call 911 or 988. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. See website disclaimer for more information.