3 Types of Boundaries Everyone Should Have
3 Types of Boundaries Everyone Should Have
Most of us never learned how to set boundaries with others, not necessarily because we’re bad people or because we had bad parents, (though we may have had poor boundaries modeled to us), but because at some point not having boundaries worked in our favor. Maybe never saying no meant we felt liked, needed, wanted. Maybe doing things for others is where we found purpose, or worth. It isn’t BAD to care about and want to do things for others…but if that is the way we define ourselves, it sets us up for a world of hurt and resentment which will spill out into every area of life. Our needs go unmet. We don’t know how we feel about things, let alone how to communicate it. We let people walk all over us, run ourselves into the ground trying to make everyone else happy and we become resentful, lashing out or withdrawing. Not ideal. If we learn to set healthy boundaries, we can start taking care of ourselves which actually makes it easier to take care of or help others. Healthy boundaries are essential if we want relationships that feel satisfying and fulfilling.
So, what are healthy boundaries?
I find it helpful to think about boundaries in our relationships, home and work life the same way we think about fences or property lines. A fence on your property line distinguishes between what is yours and what belongs to your neighbor. It clearly marks where your property ends and where your neighbors’ begins. In the same way, boundaries indicate what is our responsibility, and what is someone else’s. For example, you are in charge of your feelings, behaviors and choices (your side of the fence) and I am in charge of mine. It isn’t your job to regulate my feelings or change my behaviors, that is my responsibility alone - and the same goes for you. We’ll get into more detail when we talk about the 3 different kinds of boundaries below, but I want you to keep the idea of a fence in mind as you begin to think about what boundaries are, why they are needed, and how to set them. Now let’s get into the first type of boundary.
1. Physical boundaries
Yes, I mean literal, physical boundaries. This applies to your body and your time. You are allowed to decide how, when and by whom you want to be touched. Sometimes you can’t (like if you’re in the ER and they need to draw blood or something..eek!) but for the sake of this argument let’s assume there are no emergencies or situations where you would be touched without your permission in order to save your life. Physical boundaries also include what you put in your body (substances, food, etc.) You need to eat, and it’s okay to remove yourself from someone’s presence or ask them to stop if they are critical of your body or your food choices. Similarly, you should also have boundaries with your time; especially your “free” time. Your free time is not the same as your availability. Just because someone wants access to you and you don’t have anything ‘scheduled’, does not entitle them to your time. Remember, just because someone has an expectation of how you should spend your ‘free’ time or energy does not meet you have to meet it.
Sometimes we set physical boundaries with others, and sometimes we have to set them with ourselves in order to be in alignment with our values or our needs. This is usually where I shift from using the fence analogy and explain that boundaries indicate your values, limitations or capabilities. For example, setting a physical boundary with yourself might look like going to bed even though you really want to keep binge watching that British crime drama, or reruns of your favorite sitcom because if you stay up too late and don’t get enough sleep it begins to negative impact other areas of your life. Physical boundaries with yourself might look like making yourself eat some vegetables because your GI system is going to rebel if you feed it Mexican food again this week. It might look like skipping the gym because your body is still worn out from overdoing it the other day and forcing yourself to do it might check a box but will ultimately cost you physically, and could even lead to injury.
2. Mental boundaries.
This does not mean your emotions (the third boundary), but your actual mental capacity and functioning. This is where your focus and mental energy go for tasks like work, chores/errands, schoolwork/coursework, problem-solving, etc. There is a large body of research that looks at how pushing yourself to the point of fatigue will actually decrease your productivity, decision-making, focus and memory. (Ellbin et al., 2018, Jonsdottir et al., 2013, Krabbe et al., 2017, Oosterholt et al., 2012, Öhman et al., 2007). This doesn’t mean we can’t have long work days, but that there can be consequences with a series of 12-15 hour days without breaks and adequate rest. Setting mental boundaries can mean taking breaks from work that include things like taking a short walk, stopping to intentionally eat and enjoy a meal vs a “working lunch”, or disconnecting from and walking away from work at a certain point, not just taking a quick break and working until you fall asleep.
Mental boundaries can also look like rituals that help you mentally separate work and home. For example, creating a ritual that signifies the end of your work day tells your brain to shift out of work mode and into ‘home’ mode, whether that is parenting, being present with your partner, or taking the dog for a long walk that doesn’t involve you being glued to you phone. Just like brushing your teeth right before bed tells your time it’s time to start shutting down and preparing for sleep, making a list, shutting your laptop, or leaving your work phone silenced all create a mental boundary in your brain that tell it that work is done.
3. Emotional boundaries.
Emotional boundaries mean that you are not responsible for fixing or neutralizing someone else’s emotions: disappointment, fear, anger, sadness, etc. This does not mean it’s okay to be an asshole/intentionally mean to someone and then say “well it’s your problem”, and it doesn’t mean you have to walk away from someone. You can be empathic and understanding without trying to fix it and make it all better. You can set a boundary with a parent, friend or colleague who may get angry but if you did it assertively, then you didn’t do anything wrong and it isn’t your job to make them feel better about being told no. Similarly, it isn’t your job to help someone understand or make them feel better about a decision you made, like whether or not to have kids, why you took a different job or are moving, etc etc. Emotional boundaries keep you from taking on responsibility for others because 1. that is not your job and 2. if you keep doing it for them they will not learn to do it for themselves.
Emotional boundaries are crucial to having healthy relationships with anyone. Not only is it not our job to try to rescue others, we shouldn’t expect others to rescue us either. While it is appropriate to expect others to treat your respectfully and without cruelty, that doesn’t mean it is someone else’s job to make you feel better when they set a boundary. Part of learning how to set boundaries involves accepting when others set boundaries with us, and if you’re a people-pleaser than can be a hard. When we’re stuck in people-pleasing and always going out of our way to accommodate others, we can slip into expecting others to do the same for us, which isn’t healthy for us or for the other person. Remember, each person is in charge of their own feelings, behaviors and choices. That means if someone hurts our feelings, it is our job to tell them, not their job to guess (unless they were being intentionally mean, then that’s a different situation for another blog post). It means if we want something or are feeling some type of way, it is our job to communicate well.
The good news is that it is 100% possible to learn how to communicate in a way that feels good, honors our needs and is effective. It’s possible to learn how to get our needs met, and set healthy boundaries with others. If you struggle to set boundaries, you’re not alone and it can get better. You can learn new ways of communicating with others, get your needs met, set boundaries with confidence, and start feeling fulfilled instead of resentful. Working with a licensed therapist can help you learn all of these skills. If you are in Colorado and would like to work with me, you can book a free phone consultation by clicking here.
TL;DR: You need physical, mental and emotional boundaries in order to have healthy relationships, work/life balance, and for your physical and mental health.
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