The Link Between Perfectionism and Anxiety: What You Need to Know
I’ve been there—staring at an email, constantly tweaking it, obsessing over and adjusting the smallest of details, and feeling this pressure to make it perfect. Whether it’s a work assignment, an instagram post, a presentation for a bunch of people, or even just organizing a birthday dinner party, the desire for perfection can quickly spiral into and overwhelming feeling of anxiety. But why is that? Why do some of us feel like we have to be perfect in everything we do, but others don’t? And why does it often lead to anxiety, stress, and burnout?
If you’ve ever felt caught in this cycle of perfectionism and anxiety, you're not alone and it doesn’t have to keep being this way. There’s a deep connection between the two, and understanding it is the first step toward breaking free. In this blog we’ll dive into the link between perfectionism and anxiety, explore how it affects our daily lives, and talk about how therapy can help you regain control.
What is Perfectionism, Really?
Perfectionism is essentially a relentless pursuit of flawlessness, and results in harsh self-criticism when things don't meet those often unattainable standards. Perfectionists tend to have high expectations for themselves and others, leading to feelings of frustration, inadequacy or failure when those expectations are not met.
But not all forms of perfectionism are problematic. I often tell my clients that most things (like perfectionism, anxiety, stress, etc) exist on a spectrum, and on either end of the spectrum is an extreme, but a healthy balance is usually somewhere in the middle. For example, some people strive for excellence and feel motivated by high standards, but their drive doesn’t cause them distress or impact their sense of self-worth - this more of the middle of the spectrum. However, if perfectionism goes beyond healthy ambition and becomes an unmanageable force that your controls thoughts, emotions, and behaviors it lands on one of the extremes of the spectrum. It becomes something you can’t stop thinking about so you obsess over every little detail or getting it ‘just right’, or it can keep you paralyzed in fear because you are so worried about making a mistake.
Perfectionism and Anxiety: The Vicious Cycle
Now, here’s the thing you aren’t going to like, but probably already know: the connection between perfectionism and anxiety is like a feedback loop. The more (you) perfectionists try to control every detail and ensure everything is perfect, the more anxious you become about failing. And the more anxious you are, the more perfectionistic you become in their efforts to avoid failure.
Imagine you’re preparing for a big presentation at work. You want to make sure every slide is perfectly designed, every statistic is accurate, and every word in your speech is flawless. As you continue to obsess over the smallest details, you start feeling anxious about the presentation itself. "What if they think I’m not prepared? What if I make a mistake? What if they think I don’t know what I’m talking about? ….Wait, am I confident that I know what I’m talking about?!" The pressure of being perfect grows, and so does your anxiety. This cycle of striving for perfection, feeling anxious, and then trying harder to make things perfect can leave you feeling frustrated, overwhelmed and exhausted. It often leads to procrastination and analysis paralysis because the fear of not doing something perfectly, or potentially making the wrong decision keeps you from doing anything at all. Both of these scenarios ultimately lead to chronic frustration at best, and anxiety and burnout at worst.
How Perfectionism Affects Your Mental Health
The constant pressure to be perfect can take a serious toll on your mental health. Let’s look at how perfectionism and anxiety feed each other and impact your mental health, and then we’ll talk about how it affects how you show up at work, at home and in your relationships. Here are some examples of how perfectionism often impact your mental health:
Constant Self-Criticism: You tend to be your harshest critic. If something isn’t perfect, you often berate yourself and focus on your mistakes. This negative self-talk can heighten feelings of anxiety and make it difficult to feel good about your achievements, or dismiss your achievements altogether.
Fear of Judgment: People with perfectionism may also experience anxiety around how others perceive them. You might constantly worry about being judged or criticized for your mistakes, which creates additional stress in both personal and professional situations.
Procrastination: The fear of not doing something perfectly can lead to procrastination, or never even doing the thing. When perfectionism takes over, you might delay starting a task because you’re overwhelmed by the pressure to get everything just right. This can cause more anxiety as deadlines approach and tasks pile up.
Physical Symptoms: Anxiety caused by perfectionism doesn’t just affect your mind; it can also manifest physically. Many perfectionists experience headaches, stomachaches, difficulty sleeping, or muscle tension or trouble relaxing or winding down as a result of the constant self-inflicted stress that they are under.
Burnout: Over time, the combination of striving for perfection and dealing with constant anxiety can lead to burnout. Burnout is what happens when we are chronically stressed out. It is often characterized by emotional and physical exhaustion, difficulty believing anything can or will change, and a sense of detachment or apathy in our jobs and/or relationships. It can also lead to feelings of depression and a lack of motivation.
How Does Perfectionism Show Up in Everyday Life?
Most people think perfectionism shows up predominately at work or school, but the reality is that if you are a perfectionist at work, it is showing up in another area of your life as well. Let’s go over some examples of how perfectionism and anxiety show up in everyday life.
Workplace Anxiety
You might feel pressure to not just be ‘good’ at your job, but to be excellent. You might expect yourself to deliver flawless results at work, whether it’s in a meeting or completing a project. This can lead to long hours, overworking, and a lack of balance between work and personal life. Over time, the constant stress and fear of failure can create burnout, making it even harder to meet those impossible standards and in turn increasing anxiety.
Personal Life and Relationships
When you have perfectionistic tendencies, you might feel like you need to be the “perfect” friend, partner, or family member. You might feel the need to always be supportive, anticipate needs or take care of others (if you think this also sounds like people-pleasing, it does because they can overlap, but we’ll talk more about that in another blog post). If you struggle with perfectionism in your relationships, you may worry about saying the wrong thing, not being entertaining enough, talking too much, talking too little, or letting someone down. This can create anxiety around social interactions, making you feel like you’re constantly on edge in group settings.
In personal relationships, perfectionism can also lead to feelings of inadequacy or resentment. You may believe that your achievements (made possible by your perfectionism), are what make you valuable to others, and worry that others will reject you or be disappointed in you if you fail or are less than perfect. If you constantly feel the need to be the “perfect” partner or parent, anxiety may arise from the fear that you’re not doing enough or that you’re failing your loved ones. Over time, this can cause stress in your relationships, as you become overwhelmed by the pressure to meet unrealistic expectations.
How Therapy Can Help Break the Cycle
While perfectionism can feel all-consuming, therapy is a powerful tool for breaking the cycle of anxiety and perfectionism. An anxiety therapist can help you identify the root causes of your perfectionism, teach you coping mechanisms, and guide you through the process of changing your mindset. Here’s how therapy can support your journey:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT is one of the most effective treatments for perfectionism and anxiety. It helps you identify negative thought patterns and replace them with healthier, more realistic beliefs. Through CBT, you’ll learn how to challenge perfectionistic thoughts and replace them with balanced, compassionate ones. You can go from operating at the extreme ends of the perfectionism spectrum, to landing in the middle where you still strive for quality work, but not at the expense of your mental health or your relationships.
Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Mindfulness practices can help you stay grounded and reduce anxiety. Learning to focus on the present moment rather than worrying about what might go wrong in the future can significantly reduce the pressure you feel. Relaxation exercises like deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation can also help lower your physical anxiety symptoms. A therapist can teach you these techniques, as well as others to help you regain control when you brain begins to spin out into all of the ‘what if’s and ‘should’s.
Developing Self-Compassion: Therapy can help you cultivate self-compassion, which is a crucial skill for overcoming perfectionism. When you treat yourself with kindness and understanding (instead of judgment), it becomes easier to accept that mistakes are part of being human. This shift in mindset can dramatically reduce anxiety and help you stop beating yourself up over every little imperfection or mistake.
Setting Realistic Goals: A therapist can help you set realistic, achievable goals that align with your values, not with some unattainable standard. By focusing on progress rather than perfection, you can begin to build confidence in your abilities without the paralyzing fear of failure. You can build relationships where you are accepted for who you are, not just what you can achieve or do perfectly.
Some Good News:
Addressing perfectionism does not mean you have to give up being a high-performer, high-achiever or give up on producing high quality work. It also doesn’t mean you have to give up having healthy standards in your relationships. You just need to find a better balance where you can do great things and have great relationships without doing it to the point of unhealthy obsession, anxiety or resentment.
If you’re tired of feeling trapped in the perfectionism-anxiety cycle and want to learn how to embrace progress over perfection and build a life that is fulfilling and satisfying, you’re not alone, and therapy can help. By working together, we can explore the root causes of your perfectionism, develop healthier coping strategies, and help you break free from the anxiety that’s been holding you back.
Are you in Colorado and ready to take the first step toward a more peaceful and balanced life? Denver Therapy specializes in Therapy for Anxiety in Denver, CO and offers both in person and online therapy. Schedule a free phone consultation today, and let’s chat about how therapy can support you in overcoming perfectionism.
DISCLAIMER: This blog is for educational and entertainment purposes only; it is not therapy and is not a replacement for therapy. Reading this website does not constitute a provider-client relationship. Consult your licensed physician or licensed mental health provider regarding advice, questions and support for your mental health. Information found on this website should be used only in conjunction with working with a licensed mental health professional or physician. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency, call 911 or 988. Nothing found on this website is intended to be a substitute for professional or medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Denver Therapy LLC, authors and contributors to this blog assume no liability for any actions taken or decisions made in reliance upon, or in response to information contained on this website. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. See website disclaimer for more information.
