The Link Between People-Pleasing and Perfectionism (And How to Break Free)
Understanding the Connection Between People-Pleasing and Perfectionism
If you (more often than you would like to admit) say yes when you want to say no, or find yourself obsessing over every small detail in an email, work presentation or text message, are always afraid of making a mistake, or worry all the time about what the other people think or how they will react…you’re probably a people-pleaser, and a perfectionist. And you’re not alone. In my personal and professional experience I’ve found people-pleasing and perfectionism often go hand-in-hand, and I rarely find one without the other. In fact it’s something that comes up often in my sessions with clients because it can be hard to understand where people-pleasing ends and perfectionism begins. Let’s talk about how the two are connected, how they are different, and how you can break out of the cycles of both.
What is People-Pleasing?
Depending on who you ask you’ll get a different definition but I define it as any time you are putting someone else’s wants and needs before your own, and often at your own expense. Some signs you are a people-pleaser are having trouble saying no and setting boundaries, being afraid of letting others down, frequently worrying about what others think of you, almost always saying yes (even though you really want to say no), rarely putting your own wants and needs above others’, avoiding conflict or confrontation, and sometimes not even really know what you want or need because you’re always prioritizing others. (Sound familiar? If you want to learn more about if you might be a people-pleaser, you can check out my page therapy for people-pleasing here.)
It can feel really hard to even know how to stop people-pleasing because even though it wears you out, there are benefits like getting promoted at work, being seen as the reliable one, and being the one that everyone likes. While this feels good, the problem is that it usually leaves people-pleasers exhausted, resentful and overwhelmed. The lengths we go to in order to keep others happy even at our own expense takes an emotional toll and keeps us from getting what we really want, which is to be able to say no and still feel valued and respected in our relationships at work and at home.
What is Perfectionism?
It actually isn’t about getting things perfect just for ‘perfect’s sake’, and it isn’t the same thing as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It doesn’t mean always needing things to be clean and dinner to be planned and everyone on time to everything. Perfectionism is really about having control - control over how others perceive us, and doing everything correctly so we can never be seen as a failure. Even more than that, perfectionism is trying to be perfect so that we are always accepted and never rejected. So we are always good enough. Never underprepared. Never seen as anything other than having our shit together.
Perfectionism can show up in a few different ways, and it doesn’t always show up across the board in every area of our lives. Signs of perfectionism can look different depending on the context. Sometimes it’s oriented towards our work performance - staying late to get something done without a single mistake, re-writing the same email 5 times because we want to come off as competent but not arrogant, or beating ourselves up for small mistakes. Sometimes it shows up in our relationships, where we compare ourselves to others and what we think their lives are like, feeling like we’ve failed if we don’t outperform, or at least match them in some way. And sometimes it looks like believing that if we are perfect, we can somehow protect ourselves from disappointment or rejection.
Regardless of how perfectionism shows up in your life, it usually has a down side. All perfectionists are usually plagued by a deep fear of making mistakes or failing, and a primal fear of being rejected or feeling like you are not good enough. I want to reiterate that this is a primal fear because it literally is - babies cannot survive if they are abandoned. The knowledge that we cannot survive, let alone thrive alone is baked into our human DNA and how we operate in the world, so you’re not crazy or weird for being afraid of rejection. The key is to understand it, but not let it completely run your life - especially if it drives you into people-pleasing to avoid rejection or conflict. This brings us to how people-pleasing and perfectionism aren’t just connected, but how they feed into each other.
How People-Pleasing and Perfectionism Feed Off Each Other
The fear of being rejected or feeling we are not good enough drives us to do things that will make sure we are accepted by and liked by others, which is how we can get stuck in people-pleasing behaviors. The need for approval drives perfectionism because we believe if we do things perfectly, then everyone will like us. We struggle with saying no because we’re afraid of upsetting others, which could ultimately lead to rejection or feeling like we’ve failed in our relationships or our responsibilities to others. This is often why both people-pleasers and perfectionists struggle with setting boundaries.
The need to be perfect drives the people-pleasing because we don’t want to fail or let anyone down, and the people-pleasing feeds into the perfectionism as we strive to be the ‘perfect’ partner, colleague or friend by always trying to keep the peace and make others happy. The people-pleasing and perfectionism connection is so self-feeding that it becomes a blur and it turns into a bit of a chicken and the egg situation of wondering which came first. But the thing is, it doesn’t matter which came first because both keep you stuck in a miserable and exhausting cycle. Both are driven by the fear of failure and rejection. Both require you to think about and do things differently if you want anything to change.
How to Stop People-Pleasing And Break Free From Perfectionism
First and foremost, I recommend finding a licensed therapist that specializes in both of these areas as it is the best way to work through these issues and find freedom. While this post provides a generalized overview, you will need to work through your specific issues and address the things that keep you locked in cycles of people-pleasing and perfectionism. Each individual has their own ‘flavor’ and specific patterns they get stuck in. Below are examples of some of the main things I work through with clients to help them stop people-pleasing and break the pattern of perfectionism.
Addressing Core Beliefs
First, ask yourself “What’s the worst that will happen if I say no, or make a mistake?” Really let yourself think about it. What are you afraid will happen? Is that realistic fear? If not, then maybe that fear shouldn’t dictate what you to or how to treat yourself. If saying no could threaten your job or relationship, then that’s a major red flag and another post altogether. Most of the time what you’re imagining is worse than what will actually happen. Try to recognize that your self-worth is not tied to approval or perfection. If it feels like it is and it’s hard to let go of that belief, you’re not alone and it doesn’t have to be this way anymore - get a good therapist because therapy can absolutely help you work through it and change this belief.
Practice Saying No Without Feeling Guilty
I often recommend starting to set boundaries in low-stakes situations, like when a friend asks you to get together. Let’s say they want to get lunch at noon on Friday, but that’s the only open time on your schedule and you desperately wanted an hour to yourself. You can say, “I can’t do Friday, but I could next Friday at 12:30, would that work for you?”. Resist the urge to get into why you can’t get together with them or explain to them why you really want that hour alone, because you don’t actually have to explain yourself. You can simply say you aren’t available and offer a different time, just like the dentist would if you needed to schedule a routine appointment.
Change You How Think About Mistakes
Mistakes are inevitable so it’s more helpful to think of them as learning opportunities, not proof of failure. Everyone makes mistakes, no matter what kind of perception they give to the world. Your parents make mistakes. Your boss makes mistakes. The bank makes mistakes. Your therapist makes mistakes. You cannot live a life without making mistakes, so it’s important to learn how to learn from them instead of using them to punish, label or demean yourself (i.e. ‘I’m a terrible parent because I forgot it’s wear green at school today and my kid is the only one wearing blue’’, etc).
Additionally, it is helpful to learn how to change your mindset from ‘perfect or nothing’ to being okay with some things being “good enough”. The reality is that unless you’re performing brain surgery, building a bridge, or paying taxes, most things can be good enough instead of perfect. Things that require safety or unwanted attention from the IRS probably need to be perfect. Both things that don’t depend on safety, legal issues or life and death situations? Probably not. Think of it like charging your phone - you probably don’t always want, or have time, to charge your phone to 100%. Most of the time you let it get to about 80 or 90% then pull it off the charger to do whatever you need to do. It’s not perfect, but it’s good enough. (And charging to 100% every time is apparently bad for most batteries, isn’t that interesting?)
Self-Compassion Instead Of Self-Criticism
This is something I talk to my clients about a lot. People-pleasers and perfectionists are usually their own worst critics, so it’s important to start with being kinder to yourself when you feel like you’ve made a mistake or disappointed someone. Think about someone you care about deeply and would never speak to the way you speak to yourself. Maybe it’s your best friend, a partner or your child. If they came to you, upset with themselves for making a small mistake or disappointing someone else, how would you respond to them? Would you shame them and reject them? (Unlikely). Or …would you have compassion for them, encourage them and still find them worthy of love and acceptance? Self-Compassion helps you learn to extend that same compassion towards yourself.
Can Therapy Help with People-Pleasing and Perfectionism?
Absolutely it can. If you find yourself resonating with anything in this article, you’re in the right place. I promise, you’re not the only one struggling with people-pleasing and perfectionism, even though your brain tells you that you are. It’s possible to learn how to set boundaries as a recovering people-pleaser, and learn how to stop people-pleasing. It’s possible to stop being a perfectionist and start being ok with mistakes - or at least ok enough that it doesn’t throw off your entire day and mood. It’s possible to learn how to practice self-compassion so you can show up for yourself the way you show up for others. And therapy can help.
If you’re in CO and are interested in working with me, you can schedule a free consultation here. I offer in person therapy at my office in Denver, and online therapy throughout Colorado. If you’re not in Colorado you can find a therapist using directories such as psychology today.
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