Can Therapy Help You Stop People-Pleasing?
In a world that often rewards people-pleasing behavior, the idea of prioritizing your own wants and needs can feel impossible at best, and selfish at worst. The idea of disappointing others can feel terrifying, and the constant need to seek approval and avoid conflict can leave you feeling unheard, resentful and disconnected from your true self. You may be so used to people-pleasing that you don’t even know what you want or need anymore. But it doesn't have to keep being this way.
In this blog, I’ll delve into how a therapist can help empower you to break free from the patterns of people-pleasing, learn how to hear and use your voice, starting setting boundaries without feeling guilty and start getting your needs met.
Understanding Where People-Pleasing Comes From So You Can Change It
People-pleasing is a behavioral pattern characterized by a strong desire to make others happy, or at least keep them from being upset; often at the expense of one's own needs and desires. This pattern can from early life or childhood experiences, where you might have learned that your worth is depends on the approval from, or your usefulness to others. This can then lead to a lifelong habit of prioritizing the feelings and expectations of others over your own, creating a cycle that is difficult to break.
Societal pressures can also exacerbate people-pleasing tendencies. Depending on how you were raised it can be easy to feel obligated to conform to the others' expectations, whether it's a family member, boss, coworker or even friends. The fear of rejection, disappointment or conflict often drives people to suppress their true feelings and opinions, leading to a lack of authenticity in their relationships, which results in the relationships feeling one-sided and unfulfilling. In my professional and personal experience, I have found that this often results in feelings of anxiety, resentment, and even depression as the individual struggles to maintain a façade of agreeability.
Understanding this phenomenon is crucial for anyone who identifies as a people-pleaser. Recognizing the underlying motivations and societal influences that drive your people-pleasing tendencies is the secret to helping you to take the first steps toward change. By acknowledging and understanding these patterns, you can then begin to question whether pleasing others really does lead to personal fulfillment, or if it simply perpetuates the cycle of dissatisfaction and resentment.
Signs and Symptoms of People-Pleasing Behavior
Identifying the signs and symptoms of people-pleasing behavior is essential for self-awareness and eventual growth. One of the primary indicators is the tendency to say "yes" to requests, even when it conflicts with your desires, your needs or your schedule. This then leads to overcommitment and exhaustion, as you stretch themselves too thin trying to accommodate everyone else. It's also common to feel guilty or anxious when you think about saying "no," when you are afraid it could lead to disappointment, conflict or even abuse.
Another common symptom is avoiding conflict at all costs. People-pleasers often go to great lengths to keep the peace, even if it means suppressing their own feelings or opinions. That might look like not speaking up when you disagree or something bothers you or pretending to go along with others are saying or doing in order to ‘keep the peace’ and avoid upsetting someone. This works to keep the peace, but it also results frustration with yourself and usually others. As stated previously, sometimes the people-pleasing pattern is so deeply ingrained that you don’t even know what you want and need because you have been focused on keeping others happy for so long.
Additionally, many people-pleasers find that they rely heavily on validation from others in order to feel good about themselves or feel like they made the right decision. If you find yourself constantly seeking approval from friends, family, or colleagues and measuring your self-worth by the opinions of others it means you have trouble trusting yourself. It can be hard for people-pleasers to trust themselves when they’ve always been told what they are, or who they should be. Constantly needing validation from others perpetuates the cycle of people-pleasing behavior, making it even harder to say no or be assertive about what you want, what you need or how you feel.
Impact of People-Pleasing on Mental Health
When people-pleasers prioritize others over themselves, they often neglect their own emotional and physical well-being which can result in chronic stress, anxiety, and burnout as you exhaust and overextend yourself to meet the needs of others but are ignoring your own. Over time, this can cause more serious mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety disorders.
Additionally, because people-pleasers often feel that their worth or value is contingent upon how well they meet the expectations of others, criticism or rejection can feel devastating, and make it difficult to trust themselves or see themselves as valuable and capable. This ongoing struggle can leave people-pleasers feeling trapped in a cycle of anxiety and insecurity, with no idea of how to change it.
The emotional toll of people-pleasing can also damage relationships. While the intention is often to keep others happy and taken care of, the underlying resentment that builds from suppressing your own needs can lead to conflict and dissatisfaction. Ironically, trying to avoid conflict with others ends up creating conflict within yourself, even if you are not overtly aware of it at first. Many people-pleasers find themselves feeling unappreciated or taken for granted, as their efforts to please others go unnoticed and unrecognized. Many people-pleasers also experience disappointment, anger or resentment when others do not prioritize or show up for them they way they have recognized and shown up for others. This then reaffirms the belief that their only value is what they can do for others, and that their needs are not as important as others', and the cycle continues.
How Therapy Can Help You Stop People-Pleasing
Therapy can help people-pleasers look at what drives their people-pleasing and help them start identifying and meeting their own needs, reducing resentment, increasing self-esteem and self-confidence. In therapy clients can learn practical tools to manage anxiety that comes up when they think about saying no, and learn how to set boundaries confidently.
One effective approach I use in my practice, that is supported extensively by research, is called is cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT helps us understand the connections between our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. The basic tenant is that our thoughts influence our feelings and behaviors, and that changing our thoughts can then change our feelings and behaviors. Through CBT, clients learn to recognize the beliefs that drive people-pleasing tendencies, such as the fear of rejection or the need for approval. By reframing or changing our thoughts, we begin to feel differently (less afraid of how someone will respond, or less bothered by what they think) and then we begin to act differently (like saying no, or setting boundaries).
Another technique is role-playing to practice having certain conversations or setting certain boundaries. By simulating scenarios where they might typically defer to others, clients can rehearse expressing their needs and boundaries. This experiential learning fosters confidence and prepares individuals to navigate real-life situations with greater ease. The therapist's guidance during these exercises provides valuable feedback and encouragement, helping clients refine their assertiveness skills.
I have mentioned in throughout my website, but mindfulness and self-compassion practices are important tools for people-pleasers. Mindfulness encourages you to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment or worrying about what others think so you can figure out what you want and need, and self-compassion helps you accept that you have needs that are equally important.
Learn How To Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty
Setting healthy boundaries is a crucial aspect of overcoming people-pleasing behavior, and therapy can play a significant role in helping clients develop this skill. Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships. At Denver Therapy, I teach clients how to set boundaries that honor their needs while still respecting others. Setting boundaries communicates your capabilities, limitations, or needs; it does not control or determine another person's actions or feelings.
Assertiveness training is another skill people-pleasers can learn that empowers them to express themselves authentically. (If you want to learn more about communicating assertively and other communication skills, you can read about them in an older blog post here). Assertiveness training focuses on developing the skills to communicate needs and feelings effectively while maintaining respect for others. Together, boundary setting and assertiveness training teaches clients to communicate their needs and how to respond to others in a way that is aligned with the client's needs and/or values, not necessarily to elicit a specific response from another.
Finding the Right Therapist
Finding the right therapist is crucial for anyone looking to overcome people-pleasing. Start by looking for a licensed professional who specializes in issues related to people-pleasing and anxiety, as anxiety can come up when you start making big changes. It's also important to consider the therapeutic approach that works best for you. While a therapist's knowledge and experience is important, if you don’t like their style or the way they do therapy, you probably won’t get very far. Finding a therapist that is a good fit is the biggest predictor of success in therapy.
If you find yourself resonating with what you read today, you are not alone and you do not have to stay stuck in the cycle of people-pleasing. You can learn how to say no without feeling guilty. You can learn to identify and take care of your needs. You can find your worth apart from what you can do for others. You deserve to be heard and cared for - just as you do for others.
If you are in Denver, CO and would like to work with me, you can schedule a free consultation by clicking here, or by clicking on the button in the upper right hand corner of this page to get started.
DISCLAIMER: This website is for educational and entertainment purposes only; it is not therapy and is not a replacement for therapy. Reading this website does not constitute a provider-client relationship. Consult your licensed physician or licensed mental health provider regarding advice, questions and support for your mental health. Information found on this website should be used only in conjunction with working with a licensed mental health professional or physician. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency, call 911 or 988. Nothing found on this website is intended to be a substitute for professional or medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Denver Therapy LLC and Ashley French, LPC assume no liability for any actions taken or decisions made in reliance upon, or in response to information contained on this website. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.
